I tried to get the logline for my young adult science fiction, Star Tripped, entered into the critique rounds at Miss Snark's First Victim blog, but I didn't get randomly picked, so I thought I'd request help from my readers here.
In fact, I have two very different loglines, and I'm not even sure which one to use. So tell me which one you like best, and why (pretty please?) and ANY suggestions for improvement are greatly appreciated.
Logline #1, 40 words:
Blinded in a freak accident, seventeen-year-old Camria is tempted by a mysterious young man's offer to restore her sight, in exchange for her memories which she discovers are not her own but belong to another girl who lives light-years away.
Logline #2, 56 words:
Camria and her twin sister Liz were the first children ever born on the International Space Station. Seventeen years later, Cam just
wants to live a normal high school life. But when she’s blinded in a freak explosion, and Liz disappears, she’ll
do anything to get her sister and her sight back: even risk a journey light-years away.Thank you for your feedback!
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Hi Margo. I like the first one, because it hooked me. But you might consider starting a new sentence where it begins "in exchange..." because there's a lot of info to process.
ReplyDeleteLogline 1 totally ROCKED!! It already had conflict, mystery and emotional turmoil is these 40 words - I vote for this.
ReplyDeleteThe second one was too convoluted for me. I like the simplicity of the first - it went straight to the heart of the story! Take care
x
I like parts of each. The first one is crisper (I think the second one is too long for a logline.) But the second one has a more compelling ending. I assume this logline will be used before a blurb. If so, I'd keep it really short. Try for a sentence.
ReplyDeleteI like #1 because of its brevity. #2 seems to be missing some words? Little ones like a 'the' and 'a' here and there. #1 could be tightened even more to really hit the heart in one sentence.
ReplyDeleteI prefer the second because it made more sense, but it is a bit dense for a logline. Seems better as a blurb. I like the first half of the first one, but after "restore her sight" it gets kind of bogged down.
ReplyDeleteI'm not much help, am I?
Definitely the first one. It focused on the compelling central plot tension and doesn't feel like a bunch of back-story factoids like the second one did. However, it is too long as a single sentence, and doesn't have the "now she'll do anything" aspect that the second one did. I don't know... I might actually try and combine them into something like,
ReplyDeleteBlinded in a freak accident, seventeen-year-old Camria is tempted by a mysterious young man's offer to restore her sight. But it could lead to losing both her memories and her twin sister Liz forever. Will Camria take the risk?"
...or something like that... (shrug)
Great premise, Margo! They kind of sound like two different stories! But the first one, definitely the first one. The second logline is good, too, but it's more like a short summary on the book's back cover. The first logline is crisp with tension and conflict.
ReplyDeleteHappy reading and writing! from Laura Marcella @ Wavy Lines
Margo, I liked the first one better. I felt it was short and to the point. Drew me in more.
ReplyDeleteI think I like Logline #1 the best. Something about it is more compelling, and I love how to-the-point it is!
ReplyDeleteAgree with those that chose the first logline. It's more succinct... hooks the reader more quickly. <3
ReplyDeleteI'm actually going to put in my vote for log-line #2. There was something about log-line #1 that didn't flow for me as well as #2 did. I think the second log-line gives us everything in one: a little background, some motivation/conflict, and the central driving plot of the story.
ReplyDeleteAlthough the first one is a good length there seems to be a logic gap in it. The exchange of sight for memory doesn't make sense and while it will no doubt be explained in the story, as a a hook it's no use if people are wondering what you mean rather than wondering what will happen.
ReplyDeleteThe second one is a bit wordy but the information is much more cohesive and makes much better narrative sense.
i would suggest the second one after it's been trimmed to the first one's length.
regards,
mood
#1 is my favourite, it makes me really want to read the book. I like number 2 because it mentions her sister and I love sibling stories, but 1 I like best.
ReplyDelete#1 is my favourite!
ReplyDeleteNumber one is much tighter. I love the conflict it introduces without bringing in the whole story, but merely hinting at it. The only thing I'd suggest different is a double dash between "sight" and "in." I think that pitch has a very strong hook, and I would read a story based on it.
ReplyDelete#2 is my favorite. It feels more complete without giving anything away.
ReplyDeleteCan you combine the best of both? I like the first one's mention of a Faustian trade, and the fact that someone's memories may not even be their own! But the second one describes life on a rocket, which seems important too.
ReplyDeleteRight away I liked the first one. Totally rocked! But you probably could add something about the space station to the end with the light years away part. Get more specific there. Awesome!
ReplyDeleteLate opinion coming in here, but I liked #2. The sudden sci-fi reference at the end of #1 threw me.
ReplyDelete